As Americans continue to grow further apart, even family dinners can be a real battleground, bringing up differences that could lead to serious conflict. Many tense conversations end with someone saying, “Let’s just drop it.” But as a communications educator and trainer, I often get asked how to handle these tough discussions, especially when they involve social and political issues. One thing I always say is that simply agreeing to disagree or using any other phrase to politely end the conversation won’t actually help restore peace. In fact, it might even cause lasting damage to those important family connections.
When families talk about anything, whether it’s “What are your top five favorite movies?” or “Why did you load the dishwasher like that?” they’re not just sharing information. They’re also building trust and creating a shared story that strengthens the bonds within the family unit. According to communication researcher Mark L. Knapp’s model of relationship development, all relationships go through different stages, from “initiation” to “bonding.” But relationships can also fall apart, going through five stages of breakdown.
Avoiding difficult conversations can be pretty dangerous, especially during the “circumscribing” stage. Picture putting yellow police tape around certain topics – those are the “no-go” zones that instantly lead to conflict. Having a few of these touchy topics in a relationship might not completely ruin it, but having too many off-limits subjects can make it easier for people to just stop talking altogether. Circumscribing is one of the stages in Knapp’s model where relationships start falling apart. If issues aren’t addressed, the relationship can keep sliding downward toward the final stage: termination.
Unfortunately, this estrangement from loved ones is a real issue. In a 2022 survey of 11,000 Americans, more than 1 in 4 people admitted to being estranged from close family members. What’s worse is that these lost relationships aren’t always replaced by new close bonds. About half of Americans say they only have three or fewer close friends. In 2023, then-Surgeon General Vivek Murthy called widespread loneliness and isolation an “epidemic.”
Humans have a basic need for social connection. Relationships do more than just offer support; they also play a critical role in how we define ourselves. According to psychology’s “social penetration theory,” talking with close family and loved ones helps deepen relationships and allows us to express our deepest values.
So, if “agree to disagree” isn’t the solution, what is? Well, there’s no one-size-fits-all process that can magically resolve all conflicts at a family dinner. These techniques require time, patience, and compassion – things that can be hard to come by in the middle of a conflict. However, there are two techniques that I not only recommend to others but also use in my own disagreements: “looping for understanding” and “reframe and pivot.”
Looping, originally designed for legal mediation, helps both people in a conversation truly understand each other. Feeling misunderstood tends to escalate the conflict, so this is a great place to start. During a “loop,” each person practices active listening, meaning they listen carefully to what the other person is saying without judgment or interruptions. Then, the listener shows their understanding by using “empathic paraphrase”: restating what they heard from the speaker and also mentioning the emotions they picked up on. Finally, they ask the speaker for confirmation.
Looping has other benefits, too. In one study, using emphatic paraphrasing not only reduced participants’ anxiety but also made the speaker see the paraphraser in a more positive light. Feeling completely heard and understood can really help calm down tough conversations.
However, understanding might not be enough. Once both parties truly get each other, another technique, “reframing,” can help shift the conversation away from confrontation and toward resolution. In reframing, the speakers identify and discuss a single point of agreement. By focusing on what they agree on instead of their disagreements, they can find a starting point to tackle the problem together.
Finding a point of agreement isn’t always easy, but reframing presents both communicators as sharing a key value – a starting point for a more productive discussion. Reframing also moves the conversation away from language that could reignite the argument.
